


Monotony

by Otori0



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Sorry, M/M, POV First Person, Senses, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, i love themmmm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:33:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22404190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Otori0/pseuds/Otori0
Summary: Kazuaki POV.I'm big sad and I will never get over them.
Relationships: Nanaki Kazuaki/Uzune Hitori
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Monotony

"I deserve to live" is something I just couldn't say, or think. There was no way that someone like me deserved to be around. 

I would be always alone. No matter the season, no matter what happened to other people, my eyes were firmly shut to them; to the world. If it didn't accept me, why would I? I didn't want to see anymore. I even wished I could take my eyes off multiple times when I saw people's disappointed faces looking at me as if wanting to stab me with multiple knives. 

My mouth was also firmly shut. Talking was futile, speaking was only a waste of my energies. It would make me anxious and it would become hard to breathe. If no one talked to me, why would I? 

But I always tried to listen. I got many advices through my life, people who tried to "help", people who would approach me and who tried to talk to me. Each time, it was like a ray of hope appeared in my life and made my eyes spark. However, as soon as I opened my mouth and replied, all the hope would die, all the light would fade and I would be reminded of the world I lived in. Of my worth. Of nothing at all. That's why I also shut my ears at one point, because no advice would save me from the feeling of wanting to die, no one could make the world soft for me. I didn't deserve special treatment anyway, and I wasn't strong enough to keep up. 

When I met you, I began to notice how smells were part of people's minds, hearts, and most of all, memories. I learned that with you, because waking up next to Uzune Hitori and taking your smell in, which would happen each time your hair brushed my cheek in the morning, made me find my favorite smell. 

Maybe with you, maybe I could be able to slowly open my senses again. Maybe I could say that I deserved to live. After all, listening to you was understanding myself, talking to you was speaking my mind, and looking at you was finding the most important thing in my life. Your colors were warm, they calmed me and soothed my usual pain. It would become a little easier to breathe. 

Most of all, touching you was reassuring. It made me remember that you were still here, by my side. You were with me and you would always be, because we had to be together, we were meant to be. Your skin was soft and your hand was warm around mine. When we held hands it was like being surrounded by flowers and fireworks. When we kissed it was like being in a cloud, far away in the distant sky. 

Even someone like me could fall in love and be with someone. Even someone like me could hold you in my arms and smile, even laugh, with you. I believed that we would become happy together. I opened my heart and all my senses to you, because you accepted them all and reciprocated everything I felt and thought. 

But we were never complete. Something was still missing. The words "I deserve to live" would still remain shut down deep inside my chest and would refuse to leave, almost struggling to be said. You were never happy, and even though I saw it everyday in your eyes and heard it all day, I still didn't pay attention to it and trusted you like a fool, believing in happiness. You were much more broken inside than me. Your senses were much more closed. Your heart was sealed and I wasn't enough to open it. I was stupid and immature. 

Even so, I didn't want to die. But if you said to die together, I couldn't say no. I didn't want to hide away from you again, and you were always right in all the things you said. The world you made me see was enough. The love you gave me was enough, so dying was fine too at this point. The world would never accept us, but I would accept only you, and vice versa. 

Why did you betray me? Was it because you were the one who was still firmly shut, after all that time? 

As my life slowly started to disappear, my vision started to blurry as your shadow walked away. I wanted to see you just a little more, but I couldn't.  
I kept screaming, asking why did you do that, yelling that I didn't want to die, but talking was getting difficult and my throat hurt.  
I wanted to hear your voice one last time, to have you explain me why I wasn't enough. But all I heard as I died was my own voice, which was also beginning to fade.  
I couldn't touch you anymore and I would never do it again. The smell of your shampoo and your skin was also gone, and I wouldn't wake up next to it. I wouldn't even wake up, to start with. 

I didn't deserve to live because I wasn't able to help you, to save you and relieve some of your pain. But I didn't want to die neither. I would have wanted to die some time before, but ever since you appeared in my life, I started to learn just how happy I could become with only one person around.  
We could maybe see time pass together. We would go stargazing in spring. To the pool in summer, maybe. In October, we would have a picnic while talking about trivial things. And perhaps, in winter you would hold my hand to keep it warm as we walked around the white, pure snow. 

But for now, as everything was about to end for me, as I was about to close all my senses and feelings again and shut them, all that was left was you, and you would be the only one to do all of these things. 

I only wished you to become happy with my final strength. Because even if you killed me, you also made me feel alive, and I learned how to smile because of you. 

"You deserve to live."

**Author's Note:**

> I think this actually came out pretty well? I just wanted to write something sad and deep because I'm feeling kinda emotional rn. 
> 
> Also please follow me in Twitter I want Hatokare moots and I draw @otori53


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